Thursday, December 27, 2007


Lovely poem, and most beautiful video:

New Years Resolutions (long list, must start early)

1. I shall be as kind as a Benedictine Monk.
2. I shall try to cultivate grace.
3. (again) I shall learn to drive.
4. I shall write two novels in 2008, one erotic, the other one about the beach and the soldier and the tattoo.
5. I shall write a lot more poetry, but not inflict it on people until its good.
6. I shall find a cheap video camera and make films.
7. I shall move out the ghetto.
8. I shall learn grammar better and work out exactly in what context I should ought to use shall will intend to.
9. I shall back up.
10. I shall beam positivity from my arse to my ears so brightly that I dazzle people. Yes, brazenly happy. I shall.
11. I shall be honest.
12. I shall be more curious than certain.

Okay, that's them up there in black and white so you can hold me to these and throw hamsters at me if I welsh on any of them.

Maybe I'll think of more later once I've smoked a hundred fags and finished the last bottle of beer.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Happy X!

Let X = your winter festival of choice, or just a lovely day off with all the shops shut.

I'm off to hole myself up on the island with a large bottle of port...

Have a lovely one, all!


Monday, December 17, 2007

Thyiys weyeky'sy farce

Isy thayt I'vey sypliyt teay on m keyyyyyyyyyboard and now the yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy keyy iysy gyoinyg absyolutely mental. Christ. How can I write a novel like this?

Pah, I givey up.
HYerye'sy a piycturey of soymey wiyntery treyes. Normal seryviycey wiyll bey reysyumeyd shyortl, I very much yhyopey.

In thyey meantime, to turn thisy gliytchy to m advantagey, perhyapsy I shyall writye an orgasmy sceyney.

Heroiney:"Yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeysyy Ohy yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeyes, oh yyyyyyyyyyyyyyes"

(Author: "WHyy oh whyyyyyyyy oh why does thisy crap always hyappen to me?")

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Spread a little love

Midwinter and associated Christmas festivals just around the corner, eh?

Have you been good boys and girls?

I think these pretty condoms are a wonderful idea for a Christmas present. Even better, they are Oxfam condoms and will go to community projects in South Africa along with educational materials. Better yet, tick a little box and you'll get fair trade chocolates too!

(Um, I mean, whomever you choose to give the gift to will get the chocolate. Of course, if you're being so good and charitable, you wouldn't want to go and spoil it by eating a whole box of chocolates all to yourself so that you felt all over indulgent and fat and despaired of ever being able to fit into the pair of corduroys you bought when you first met your boyfriend and were on that newly-in-love-can't-eat-a-thing accidental diet and now can only look at mournfully, thinking of the way your ass used to look with the lovely pocket detail clinging to it and also musing sadly on the exquisite irony of the fact that the damn things are actually chocolate coloured. Would you?)

Lots more great ideas for presents there too - just clickety click right here and whoosh, happy presents, wrapped and delivered ... easy...

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

The thing about working from home is...

Nobody can hear you scream.

I've had a farcical week so far.

Set fire to my synopsis (no, not a fit of rage a la Madelynne, just a random cigarette mishap)

And I've got some terrible stabbing pain in my ear. Coaxed boyf into administering warm olive oil. Only he got cavalier and last night I got a dose of not warm, but instead what I'd maybe call hmm .... shall we say fucking scalding oil poured into my ear, a la gruesome medieaval torture practise.

I did not take it well.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to find an agent and am a bit bemused that it seems to require more effort than finding a publisher.

Vastly unprofessional and fairly ill-tempered writer, slightly maimed with partial hearing loss, invites agents to peruse her singed manuscript. It's sold already - all you need to do is explain what 'permissions' means and argue with my publishers on my behalf. Or pretend to argue with them, at least, just to make me feel important. Maybe drop me an email every so often to remind me I'm sposed to be finishing off Chapter


Gotta go hastaluegoallbye x

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Bitchbook rides again

Zokutou word meterZokutou word meter
11,000 / 70,000

Time for some serious work.

PS: Oh look, the wordmeter is all screwed up and not coming out right. Looks about accurate.