Monday, July 27, 2009

Writing a novel

Will almost certainly not:

  • Work out as any kind of revenge on anyone. (Least of all that bastard that you haven't seen for fifteen years who is, I'm afraid, virtually guaranteed not to idly and quite by chance while browsing in the basement of his or her local bookshop, pick up a copy of your book, read it and be suddenly and uncharacteristaclly overcome with remorse.)
  • Make you rich.
  • Make you successful.
  • Make you an authority on anything.
  • Prove anything.
  • Buy you love.
  • Make you famous. (To be a famous author you have to get famous first by going on Big Brother and having sex with someone before leaving for a very public breakdown, and then get a real writer to ghostwrite your autobiography.)
  • Make anyone respect you.
  • Make anyone like you.
  • Mean that you will never be rejected again.
  • Give you confidence.
  • Make you wise.
  • Get you laid.*

*(I believe that a friend of Janine Ashbless's once got laid by virtue of knowing said author, so I'm not discounting the possibility of cheap thrills by association.)

13 comments:

Alana said...

Dearest Nikki,

I disagree with #5. Writing a novel will most definitely prove I can write a novel, which so far seems FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE. At the very least, writing a novel proves you're into an obsession for the long haul. :-)

I also, respectfully, disagree with final 13. I insist that once I finish a novel Sam Merlotte will actually exist and fuck me silly.

Peace,
A

Nikki Magennis said...

Alana, I don't know what I did but this post got lost somewhere in June.
Having hoiked it back out from the dustbin, I wanted to respond to you, so I'm reposting your comment, hope that's okay! :

Dearest Nikki,

I disagree with #5. Writing a novel will most definitely prove I can write a novel, which so far seems FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE. At the very least, writing a novel proves you're into an obsession for the long haul. :-)

I also, respectfully, disagree with final 13. I insist that once I finish a novel Sam Merlotte will actually exist and fuck me silly.

Peace,
A

Hi A,

Thanks for disagreeing with me. I'd like to refine this list and I did originally have other things that writing a novel *may* do for one, but in the end and seeing as I feel a bit like I have swine flu and it's Monday I ended up leaving it without the silver lining.

Meanwhile, I don't really know who this Sam Merlotte is, but I hear that he'll give head for a good poem ...

: )

N x

Shanna Germain said...

Damn. I was hoping that it would at least make me wise or get me laid. Damn. Damn. Damn.

My word is "myxots" -- I can't decide if it's sexy or creepy.

:) s.

Nikki Magennis said...

Ah, but you're already wise, S!

(I have to admit I haven't really properly tried out the getting laid thing, seeing as I think boyf might object to a properly rigorous study with a random section of the public as control group. I'm just guessing.)

Janine Ashbless said...

lol!

I do have to admit my friend-who-used-me-as-a-chatup-line was actually pretty good at getting laid anyway. It was what he was famous for in our little circle. But I like to think that I helped that night.

Charlotte Stein aka The Mighty Viper said...

Oh, crap. I was *counting* on any book I write to be evol evol revenge!

What am I going to do now, build a death ray? Dammit.

Danielle said...

hm...i have to disagree with points 5, 7, 9 and..most of all ..13..if i get 50 cent for each time i got laid just because something i wrote or because of the fact that i write at all uhmm..i could go right over to subway and get a sub of the day..which is..at least i think it is,,,2,50...yes...:-)

by the way..i thought/hoped too that writing would make me wise in the end..damned..another illusion lost..

Nikki Magennis said...

Ha! A subway with extra sauce, even?!

I tend to think writing is more likely to send one off the rails than in the direction of wisdom. But maybe I'm a pessimist. Or just wrong, of course. There is that possibility - see point 4.

; )

Nikki Magennis said...

Charlotte, if you work out the death ray thing please send the recipe. And full instructions. So far, I'm *crap* at revenge.

neve black said...

Priceless and damn, so true. Oh, fuck. I just wanted to get laid.

Danielle said...

@ neve

lay me!!!..i m a writer...:-P

Danielle said...

its all about the extra sauce isnt it? ^^

Charlotte Stein aka The Mighty Viper said...

I'm working on it, Nikki. There's just so many, many people out there who deserve our eternal wrath!